


The Ghost of My Former Self

by Nothing_You_Can_Prove



Category: Original Work
Genre: Asexual Character, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Female Character of Color, Lesbian Character, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Panromantic Asexual Character, Romance, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6223513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nothing_You_Can_Prove/pseuds/Nothing_You_Can_Prove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Herein lies the story of Haley Locke.<br/>Haley’s world suddenly tipped six months ago when she lost someone very important to her, her brother Randi Locke. He was the one person who had stuck by her through thick and thin. How could she live without him? Well, that’s the thing, she doesn’t have to. Three months ago she came across a necklace in Randi’s room, most likely meant as a present for her. When Haley put it on, who should turn up but Randi, well his ghost anyway.<br/>Both are shocked, but relieved. Sure, things aren’t exactly the same, but they can basically go on as before. The problem is, now Haley can’t let go. Randi wants her to move on with her life, but she can’t, not without him. They are both stuck in limbo, half-living.<br/>Maybe it’ll take someone who has lost just as much to help Haley learn to cope with her loss and finally let Randi pass on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ghost of My Former Self

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I thought I’d try my hand at an original work, because why not? I’ve had an idea for a while and just got round to starting it. Enjoy.

My name is Haley Locke. It has been about six months now since I lost someone very important to me. The loss crushed my heart and soul into tiny pieces, ground them into the dirt until they became nothing but miniscule particles of dust. That’s how it felt anyway. What a way to introduce my story, huh? With heartbreak right off the bat. That’s life. Among the good you will inevitably find the bad, and vice versa. I’m not a complete cynic. Poetic melodrama aside, it hurt a lot. More than I could ever truly express with words or actions. Believe me I have tried, but every single time it falls short. Some experiences are beyond a single splurge of expression. Certain pains run deeper.

In the aftermath of loss, I desperately clung onto every scrap of memory I could lay my hands on and spent three months walking around like a zombie. Not sleeping, rarely eating… and completely closing myself off from a world that cruelly took away someone I cared deeply for. Not one of my finer moments, I tell you now. Then again, who can blame me? We all deal with death in our own ways. Holing myself away was my coping mechanism, however detrimental it turned out to eventually be. It’s something I hope nobody else will ever have to experience. Even now saying this I know that statement is simply blind optimism. A girl can dream…

Then… something happened that changed, well everything. Oh, and I really mean _everything._ I’m not a drama queen by nature and I rarely divulge in over-exaggeration, despite anything my borderline theatrical introduction may tell you. What I am about to divulge is going to be hard to believe, crazy even. Therefore, I totally understand if you don’t trust my account. To be honest, I didn’t at first either. This kind of thing doesn’t happen beyond film… at least that’s what I used to think, until all of a sudden it did.

Ok, here goes. When I finally plucked up the courage to look through his things again, I came into possession of a necklace. I guess he was going to give it to me for my birthday. He always was such a sentimental dope. Almost too emotionally open. Unlike me. The chain had a dull silver key on it that came to rest just at my sternum. I’ve always had a thing for keys and he damn well knew that. Don’t ask what my fascination is with them. I have no clue myself. I’m sure it must symbolise something if you get all psychological about it, but then doesn’t everything? Especially if you look hard enough.

Anyway, back on track. I put it on and suddenly… I saw him. Maybe I should clarify here. The person I lost was my brother, Randi. So, before you go assuming things, let’s get that 100% straight right off the bat. If you’re looking for the classic ‘boy meets girl’ tragedy spiel, you’re barking up the _entirely_ wrong tree. In fact, you couldn’t be more wrong if you tried.

I won’t lie, I may have screamed the first time. That actually got his attention initially. I didn’t believe it at first. Who would? I mean, I’d just seen someone who had died three months ago right there in front of me. You’d have thought all the films and games would have prepared me… but no. My initial reaction was understandable shock. In my mind, it could only be some cruel prank, that or I needed serious help. As anybody else would think in reaction to something so bizarre. I even resorted to the clique ‘pinching your arm to see if you actually are awake’ gig. It didn’t do anything though. He was still there.

After the initial shock, denial and every other conceivable emotion in response to this surreal situation wore off, something that lasted quite a while I might add, we were so thrilled. To be honest, I was ready to believe just about anything to bring him back. He was one of the only person who really cared about and helped me. Then he was gone. No goodbyes, no reason, just… gone. Now we had a second chance.

If I ever told anyone, they’d would think that I’m just imagining it to help me cope with his death. Hell, even I question sometimes. But when he’s here… I know it’s real. It has to be. Now, it’s an addiction. I couldn’t get through the day without it. I never take the necklace off. Ever. What if it breaks, or even worse stops working altogether? No, I won’t let that happen. I can’t.

Every now and then the voice of reason in my head takes over and I nearly release myself, break out of the cycle. Then I panic and go straight back to square one. Total dependency. I know I should just accept it and move on with my life. It would be healthier to do so, but it’s difficult. It’s gotten to the point where even Randi himself keeps telling me that I have to let go sooner or later. He sees what all this is doing to me. In fact, we’ve gotten into several heated arguments about it. I’m stubborn, so is he, and we both have an explosive temper when pushed. We’ve gone days without talking before over stupid arguments. It seems death hasn’t changed that.

The more people who tell me to let him go, the tighter I hold on. I guess it’s the rebel in me... or maybe the scared young girl who doesn’t want to end up all alone. No-one would understand, not that I could blame them, and I can’t keep insisting on it. There’s no telling where I’ll end up. No, I just have to keep on half-living until I can join him on the other side.

Nobody can tell you how to mourn or for how long… but there does come a point where it becomes detrimental to you. A point where it does more harm than good. I should accept he is gone, but that’s the thing. The necklace basically revives him. How can I ever admit that he is dead if I can talk to him and act just like before? Sometimes, I swear I can feel his touch just for a second… I know it’s probably just wishful thinking, but it’s all I have left.

He is here right now, perched on the edge of my bed. Recently, he’s given up on convincing me to let go. We just carry on as before, well as much as we can. Sometimes when he doesn’t think I’m looking, he has the most heart breaking expression on his face. It immediately disappears when he catches me looking, but some things you just can’t unsee.

He probably wants to move on to wherever people go after Death, take your pick, but he can’t… all because of me. Guilt plagues me on a daily basis, but he always stays. If he wanted to, I’m sure he could just go. He never was like that though. Whenever I needed someone, he was always there and he still is, even in death. That’s dedication for you. Or maybe **dead** ication… Ok, sorry that was terrible. This knowledge makes everything so much worse. It’s one thing to lose someone, it’s another to realise that they would remain in a world where they can’t interact with things or people, somewhere they don’t belong just to keep you from crying alone at night…

I’m stuck in limbo. I want to set him free, but in doing so I’ll be alone. He never confronts me about it anymore, and I don’t bring it up. We’ve reached an impasse. Neither of us knows what lies beyond. He may never be able to return to me if he goes. If it was guaranteed that he could come back, there would be no problem. There is no certainty. I don’t want to take that risk and, deep down, neither does he. So, nothing changes. We just carry on as before, both half-living.

A deep, booming voice brings me from my thought. “What are you thinking about? You’ve been uncharacteristically quiet over there. Are you plotting something?”

I shake my head and turn to the source of the voice from my desk. Randi sits there on my bed, narrowing his warm brown eyes at me suspiciously. A slight flicker of worry crosses them as our eyes meet. He knows me too well.

I offer him a lop-sided grin in response to his concern. “Only my plans for world domination.”

These words cause the worry to be replaced with amusement. “I see. Well, if I can help in any way, maybe scare the crap out of someone, I’m your ghoul.”

His smile is the only light I have left in this darkness, the only thing guiding me forward. Without it, I’d be lost. I never want it to go out.

He crosses his arms, a mock stern expression on his face, which is strained from trying not to laugh. “Right you, off to bed now. It’s way past your bedtime. We all know a sleepy Haley makes for a grumpy Haley.”

“Yes, mum.” I stick my tongue out at him. He rolls his eyes playfully at my childish display, suppressing a smile.

Nothing much has changed… except the whole ghost thing. I long to be able to hug him like we used to, get my bones nearly crushed from his vice-like hold, but the cruel reality is that I never will again. I wish I had taken advantage of this while I still could.

What if I had spent more time with him? What if I had gone to see him that day like I was planning? What if I had answered that call? What if…?

There is no point speculating what could have been. What’s done is done. You can torture yourself for eternity about what _could_ have been. I crack my knuckles and glance down at the array of papers and books strewn on my desk, along with a few used cups and god knows what else. I really should clean this place up. Maybe later… always later. That was the problem in the first place, right? Thinking you have all the time in the world. Then suddenly, you don’t.

With a tired sigh, I tap my pen on my desk as stare down at the book have been so futilely trying to read. It’s just going over my head right now though, the words all blending into one. Curious about the time, I grab my phone from the desk and slide the screen on, **1:23 A.M.** I lean back in my chair and spin it slightly from side to side, debating whether I should go to sleep yet. As I contemplate my sleep future, or lack thereof, I yawn, placing my hand over my mouth. I really need to get my sleep schedule round.

After rubbing my face with my hands, I slump back in my chair. At least it’s Saturday tomorrow. I can just lay in bed all day and hide from the world instead of trying to function like a ‘normal’ person. Such a ridiculous notion. What the hell even is normal anyway?

I glance back at Randi, who gives me a smug grin, knowing that he is right and I am just rebelling pointlessly. My eye rolling and head shaking only causes his smile to widen. As much as I hate to admit it, maybe Randi has a point. I should get some rest. After shoving a random scrap of paper into the open book in front of me, I stand up and stretch my arms above my head with a loud click. I gather up my notes into a haphazard pile on the desk, then pick up my phone and finally make my way over to the bed. It gets cold this time of year, so I make sure to wrap the covers around me tightly.

Randi comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed. He smiles at the sight of me all wrapped up in the blanket before pointing to himself. “Hey, what about me?”

I roll my eyes at him and shift over, still clutching onto the fleece checked red blanket. He lays opposite me, reminiscent of happier times. When we were kids, we always used to do this kind of thing, gathering up every blanket and pillow we could find and tell each other ghost stories… the irony.

He grins at me, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “Hey, now we’re living a ghost story, huh?”

“You are such a nerd.” I go to playfully tap him on the shoulder, but my hand passes through him. Instead, I just lay there, staring at my hand as it shakes.

When I finally pluck up the courage to glance up, Randi gives me the most distressed look I have ever seen him have, his brown eyes full of despair and pain. “I don’t think we are ever going to get used to this, are we?” He sighs despondently.

He takes his hand and places it on my arm comfortingly. The air temperature shifts, turning a little warmer, and I swear I can feel a slight pressure on my arm. It might just be my mind playing tricks on me. If that’s the case, I don’t care. Anything for him to be here. If this makes my experience more, then so be it. I never want to close my eyes, just in case when I wake up in the morning, he’s gone forever. The thought terrifies me. What I wouldn’t give just for one more day, one more hour, one more second. We can still sort of do the things we did before, but it’s never quite the same. Not with… everything that has happened. Now, it’s bitter sweet. A cruel reminder of what could have been.

I finally feel my grip on the world loosen, the dream realm embracing me. As much as I resist, once I am in the clutches of dreams, I am thankful. I can relive my memories, sometimes invent new ones, things that should have happened, but never did and now… never can.

* * *

_Randi is sat on the sofa, drinking out of a can with a fuzzy red checked blanket wrapped around him. He lazily flicks through the channels, something he often does. We can thank his indecision for that. As he searches through, his eyes close slowly with each passing second, sleep threatening to claim him. He’s been working late recently, so I haven’t seen much of him. The TV remote is nearly falling out of his hand. He hasn’t seen me yet, so I sneak up and jump on the sofa, causing him to almost spill his drink everywhere. With this rude awakening, he shakes himself awake, looking around in confusion. When he sees me, his eyes show realisation and he sighs deeply._

_“Haley…”_

_I grin at him cheekily and he shakes his head, reaching out to ruffle my thick brown hair gently with his hand. “So squirt, you want to watch a film?”_

_I bat his hand away and pout at him, my arms crossed in mild annoyance. “I am not a squirt, and yes I do.”_

_He stretches, his entire body clicking as he does so. Once settled again, he idly scratches at his chin, which is covered in a thick, brown stubble. He’s been trying to grow a beard for a while now. It’s a bit scratchy at the minute, something he takes full advantage of when annoying me._

_He glances at me expectantly, placing his hands behind his head. “What are you waiting for? It’s your turn to choose.”_

_I stroke my chin with my hand, contemplating our movie future. “I dunno about you, but I fancy some light hearted romantic comedy.”_

_He lets out a hearty chuckle, his eyes glistening with amusement as he offers me his infamous smug lop-sided grin. “And you call me a romantic sap. Go on then.”_

_He never complains, not like other people. In fact, I think he quite enjoys it really. After hoisting myself up, I stride over to a small, wooden cupboard next to the TV. I bend down and peruse our DVD collection, which is something to be envied I might add. My fingertips gently brush along the cases, stopping when I reach the one I am looking for. I hold it up victoriously._

_“You look quite proud of yourself.” Randi chuckles heartily._

_“It is quite the feat to find anything in this disordered mess,” I squint at him accusingly. “I wonder why?”_

_Randi looks at me innocently, a cheeky grin on his face. “Why are you looking at me?”_

_I cross my arms. “I don’t buy this innocent crap.”_

_He holds up his hands defensively. “Well, not all of us can be as meticulous as you, squirt. Seriously, who orders their DVDs alphabetically?”_

_I bend down and open the disc tray to find one already inside. I shake my head and take it out. “I do. It’s almost unbelievable how untidy you are though. Let’s hope I’ve got the right one. I have no desire to search through every single case to find the right disc.”_

_Randi chuckles from behind me. “But you always used to love playing detective when we were kids.”_

_I glance back at his smug grin. “Yeah. I still do, but only when there is hope of solving the mystery,” I motion my head towards the kitchen door. “Why don’t you get off your lazy ass and get the popcorn instead of watching me struggle?”_

_He hugs the blanket closer to himself, flashing me the puppy dog eyes. “But I’m warm now…”_

_I get up and pull the blanket off him violently. “Now you’re not.”_

_He pouts at me. “You are cruel to me.”_

_“Hey, you haven’t even seen cruel.”_

_Randi gets up, scratching at his stomach before wandering off into the kitchen._

_I hear him opening cupboards, rootling around and mumbling under his breath, before letting out a final shout of triumph. He walks back into the room with a huge bowl full to the brim of popcorn and flops back down on the couch, almost spilling half it all over the sofa. I take the DVD out of the case, thankfully the right one, and carefully place it into the player. I flop back down on the couch beside him. He has wrapped himself up in the blanket tighter._

_“You think I can get some of that blanket too?”_

_He strokes his chin in contemplation. “That depends…”_

_I know that impish look all too well. “On what?”_

_He smirks at me. “On whether you get me breakfast in bed tomorrow.”_

_I roll my eyes at him. “And you say I’m cruel… fine.”_

_“Promise?” He holds out his pinkie finger, something we’ve done since childhood._

_I reluctantly take a hold of it. “Yes, I promise.”_

_Randi unravels himself reluctantly and lifts up the blanket. I shuffle over to him, taking my share of the blanket and peer up at him. “Ready?”_

_He offers me a warm smile, pulling at the blanket to try and steal it back. I hold on tight for dear life, refusing to let go. He’s such a sod._

_After a moment, he gives up his teasing and nods. “Always.”_

* * *

My eyes open abruptly and are met with the ceiling of my room. A few stray tears run down my cheeks and I swipe at them fiercely with my hand. Once sufficiently composed, I turn over and am met with Randi’s face. He stares at me, his eyes slightly downcast and his voice soft. “Good dream?”

He props his head on his hand, waiting for me to divulge the content of my dream. I shift to face him. “I was just… reliving one of our movie nights.”

He offers me a sad smile, but doesn’t say anything… there is nothing left to say.

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the first part to set the scene. So far we have Haley Locke and her brother Randi Locke introduced. I have no idea how long this will be yet. Thanks for reading, have a great day and I hope you enjoyed it so far.


End file.
